Each president or king elects a cabinet with many advisers. The cabinet advises the president on foreign policy, education reform, health care, etc., and this multitude of advisers contributes to the victory. In the same way, a marriage needs a variety of counselors, especially if it is in conflict. Yes, a couple should first try to solve the problem together, but after that, they should ask for help. The Gottman Institute has what they call the Four Horsemen of Disagreement: We can love the Lord and still have conflicts. Nevertheless, we must be wise in our disagreements so as not to destroy each other with cruel words or deeds. Always remember that the goal in conflicts (especially for Christian marriages) is restoration. Follow these 10 rules to keep your marriage healthy even in times of conflict. Allow God to work on your spouse`s heart and allow him to fight for you.
Often, it is our wound that fuels our conflict with each other. God works at the level of the heart and only He can bring about the conflict resolution and healing that many of us (and our spouses) really need. For many, it is counter-cultural. While they are in a serious conflict, many couples are reluctant to invite someone into their marriage to help. Pride prevents them from exposing themselves and getting the help they need. This is actually another result of the fall. When Adam and Eve ate from the forbidden tree, they looked at each other, saw their nakedness, and went into hiding. They then put fig leaves.
With the Fall, humanity lost the desired transparency. We hide from each other; We display a fake smile, even when things go wrong. We hide behind our clothes, our homes, our jobs and our hobbies. We are afraid to death that people will know us: our insecurities and our problems. We even hide from God, like Adam and Eve. Paul says that we should get rid of anger before the end of the day, because if we don`t, it will give Satan a foot. What does that mean? «Foothold» is a terminology of war. This means that irreconcilability and anger will give Satan a door to constantly attack a person or relationship. You are the messenger of Christ, first in your marriage and then everywhere else.
Your good or bad behavior in a conflict reveals the depth of your relationship with Jesus Christ. There will be countless opportunities for you to deny yourself and take up your cross. Managing conflict can sometimes be difficult, but the Holy Ghost will guide and teach you in the right way. You are more like Christ when your attitude reflects His sacrificial love and grace toward your spouse, especially when there is disagreement. Read Romans 7:2–3; Matthew 5:31–32; 19:3-9; 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 – Marriage is a lifelong commitment. One can only divorce a partner biblically if it is done because he or she committed fornication. If we are divorced in an unbiblical way, we must reconcile with our spouse or remain single. Remarriage is not an option. May marriage be kept in honor among all, and may the marital bed be immaculate, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Communicating well and loving each other despite disagreements really comes down to respect.
Without respect, a marriage must end in misfortune. Whether it means getting divorced or simply living together in a lonely marriage, respect is the key to making your marriage work. It is clear that the Bible requires both spouses to constantly look at marriage with commitment. Wisdom is the application of knowledge of God`s Word. When husbands and wives seek God`s wisdom in conflict, there is a new hope for restoration. The Lord generously pours out what is to be said and what must remain unsaid. Proverbs 4:23 – From the bottom of the heart are the questions of life. We sin because we allow ourselves to think and talk about our desire to sin. See also Matthew 5:21f–27f, 33–37, and so on. Finally, we will end our time together in prayer.
We will say thank you for what we have learned about our relationship with each other. Each of us will ask God to bless our spouse and help us be a blessing to Him, knowing that this is our mission because of our marriage vows. Each couple will find in the other characteristics that we would like to change, but that we cannot. Sin should not be overlooked, but if there is no sin and the person is simply doing things that we do not like, then love will not lead personal desires to the point of alienation. Learn to neglect these things without bitterness. If a couple has long-standing and deep-rooted problems, a solution must include mutual agreement on what they want to do differently in the future in order to change behavior. You need a certain program or action plan, maybe even a written program. The procedure we have described will solve the most serious family problems if we truly love each other and are willing to obey God. But what if there is clearly sin in a family and the above procedure has been attempted, but the problem remains? The Bible tells us to get help from other Christians. «I wish I had never married you.» «I wish you were dead.» «I should have divorced you years ago.» «If it doesn`t stop, I`ll see a lawyer.» «I`m leaving, and I don`t know if I`ll come back.» Many couples have been arguing and arguing for so long that they lose hope that things will ever get better.
They resign to continue arguing and hating for the rest of their lives, or they end the marriage through divorce. Romans 5:6-8 – Christ loved us when we were still sinners, not because we were so kind that He couldn`t help it. He decided to do what we had to do. Continuing with what Paul and James taught about trials, both taught that trials produce perseverance. Paul went on to say that perseverance creates character and hope for character (Romans 5:3-4). James said that we should «let perseverance finish its work so that we can become mature and complete without missing anything» (James 1:3-4, VIN 2011). In marital conflicts, we must develop perseverance so that we can produce the fruits that God wants to cultivate in our marriage. To make matters worse, Scripture says that if we walk in unforgiving, God will not forgive us (Matthew 6:15) and He will not hear our prayers. Peter exhorted husbands to be considerate of their wives and to treat them with respect so that nothing would hinder their prayers (1 Peter 3:7). A marriage in which the partners have bitterness and anger towards each other is a marriage in which prayer is powerless, which opens a greater door for the enemy to attack and bring destruction. How does God call you to make sacrifices to resolve a potential marital conflict or conflict? Does it call you to renounce a friendship that has a bad influence or causes discord? Does he call you to help you more at home, take more care of the children, participate in something your spouse enjoys, but you don`t want to spend more time with your spouse instead of doing something else? How can you demonstrate Christ`s sacrifice in your marriage? Victims are the secret to conflict resolution, while selfishness is the catalyst for conflict.
2. Timothy 3:16-17 – The scriptures provide for all good works. If resolving marital conflicts is good work, then the Bible will tell us how to do it. Other people can help, but we must reject all ideas that do not agree with the Bible. What is your attitude when you encounter conflict with your partner? If we do not have the right attitude, if we are angry with our partner and angry with God, if we are depressed, bitter and disillusioned, it will negatively affect our behavior and our spouse and therefore reap harmful consequences in marriage. Conflict is really just an opportunity to grow, and we should see it that way. Some people follow psychologists, marriage counselors, etc.
